“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
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*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
*pokes sex life with a stick
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
This is amazing.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”