“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
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a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Bloody internet 😳
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
This is my cat’s medicine.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
