Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Peace was never an option

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

crochet youtube is brutal

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.