Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!

boat question

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

I am laughing way too hard at this.

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.