“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
You Might Also Like
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Hotels are back
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.