“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
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My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.