“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
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Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
wtf is a larm clock?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.