Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]

Later that night

Fitbit: time for bed

me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.