You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
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This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.