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If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Hang in there buddy
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!