How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
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AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Y’all ready for this
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
2 years later
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete