@ValeeGrrl

You have to admire husband’s focus as he plays on his iPad while I furiously chop carrots tapping out “I hate you” in morse code w my knife.

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@V32951124

My mom told me never to talk to strangers…

*joins Twitter*

@dadmann_walking

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

@petemandik

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

@WilliamAder

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

@wolfmannjr

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

@purcival

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

@Brampersandon_

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

@KrazykurtKurt

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

@cray_at_home_ma

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands