You have to admire husband’s focus as he plays on his iPad while I furiously chop carrots tapping out “I hate you” in morse code w my knife.

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My mom told me never to talk to strangers…

*joins Twitter*


my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.


ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth


Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.


Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.


So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?


My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.


[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!


If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again


Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands