You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
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7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Cannot stop laughing at this
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.