You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
You Might Also Like
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
i spent way too long on this
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
