You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
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Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.