Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

The best plant holders?

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

placebo pills? more like sike meds

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

termite twitter scares me

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.