You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
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Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
LMFAOOOO
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica