Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

i wish we could shoplift online

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.