You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
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you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons