You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
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[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Sharon I have some bad news
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.