Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

Breaking news:

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

Today I’m going to give it my almost

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

I think we should hear other voices.