You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
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“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.