You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
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I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.