Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

couldn’t resist

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.