Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!