You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
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1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.