@heidi420x

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

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@Kyle_Lippert

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

@brendohare

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

@stacieooooo

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

@ThugRaccoons

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

@TheBoydP

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

@michaelianblack

How come my wife can’t hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?

@iSmashFizzle

Me: It’s not illegal to be rude to cops.
Them: Well, if you poke a bear, what do you expect?
Me: That’s why we don’t make bears cops.

@mikeleffingwell

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

@TedInModeration

Me: will you have my baby?
Her: omg yes!
Me: * hands her a baby…
* runs…