You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.


[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]


You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.


[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*


When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…


How come my wife can’t hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?


Me: It’s not illegal to be rude to cops.
Them: Well, if you poke a bear, what do you expect?
Me: That’s why we don’t make bears cops.


DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*


Me: will you have my baby?
Her: omg yes!
Me: * hands her a baby…
* runs…