You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money