You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.