“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
You Might Also Like
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree