“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?