You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

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If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.


If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works


Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.


People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with “Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T OPEN THE FREEZER.”


Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.


america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky


Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.


If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.


What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*


[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit