@ErinEph

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

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@heatherjs

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

@bridger_w

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

@timdonakowski

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

@Sean_Burgundy_

People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with “Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T OPEN THE FREEZER.”

@samalmightysam

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

@ghostkrogh

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

@iRowlf

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

@Maxine12333

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

@SergioValenCo

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

@KyleMcDowell86

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit