You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
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Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*