“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
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McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Interior designer.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
for all #parents out there
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.