Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.