Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good