You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
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My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou