You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
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Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
what’s more important?
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me