You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
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Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?