You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
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Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
found my next D&D character name
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Britain be like
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
had to make it
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.