You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
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Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
