You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
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“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
can I use a minion as a tampon
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
Pizza is an emotion right?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.