I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Waiting for the Charmin
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this