@4boding

You haven’t built just a wall around you; you’ve constructed a bomb shelter inside a nuclear bunker set into the side of a mountain.

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@michaelianblack

You know who’s really upset about Romney losing? Wire coat hanger manufacturers.

@CheryeDavis

My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart….

@fro_vo

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

@Jennifergr8

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

@frankzulla

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

@NefuDaBoss

Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you’ll be deaf by the time you’re 20

Me: What

@PinkCamoTO

Me: What are you doing?
H: Fantasy football.
M: Which football players are you fantasizing about?
H:
M:
H:
M: Is that not how it works?

@KateWhineHall

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

@radtoria

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked