You haven’t built just a wall around you; you’ve constructed a bomb shelter inside a nuclear bunker set into the side of a mountain.

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You know who’s really upset about Romney losing? Wire coat hanger manufacturers.


My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart….


Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight


Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.


Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!


Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you’ll be deaf by the time you’re 20

Me: What


Me: What are you doing?
H: Fantasy football.
M: Which football players are you fantasizing about?
M: Is that not how it works?


My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.


picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked