[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
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Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if