Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?