“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
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The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
absolute chaos
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I put the p in pants.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!