You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
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Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
😂😂
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
This kid is going places
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen