You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
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In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Sending in my taxes
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere