You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
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Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”