You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
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cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
Taliband
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them