Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.