Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

We need it on priority

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

consequences, the bane of my existence

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.