You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
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the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel