You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
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Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
GM✌🏻
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS