You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
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host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
uncle dave has been through hell
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
tfw you realize …
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap