You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
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If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
So sick of all these stupid rules
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Too easy.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.