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@AngelaEhh: You haven't texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
@Jake_Vig: POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
@Thynebear: if a cop pulls u over play dead
@InternetHippo: FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops
TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th
@aardvarsk: "You'll sleep when I'm dead" -- my phone
@junkyardigan: Whenever I utter the word 'sober' I wash my mouth out with alcohol.