You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
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Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Damn he played himself
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline