you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
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The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”