you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
You Might Also Like
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
jesus, what did this guy do
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.