Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

Watson was Holmes schooled

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

Intelligence is the new cleavage

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR