Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”