You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?