You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
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do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Weighing up my bread heating options
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Shower sex be like:
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes