You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
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HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.