Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

I’m not average. I’m mean.