You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
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white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”My 7yo: What’s this song called?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.