You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
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Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
*performs CPR on the turkey*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas