You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
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Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly