Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

japanese corn

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.