Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

Order here:
More here:

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.