You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
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I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.