“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
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*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog