“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
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It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I used the label maker
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice