You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
You Might Also Like
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Do one person every day that scares you.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.