Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

A friend helps you before you need it

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

uncle dave has been through hell

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

Lmao 🤣

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.