You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
You Might Also Like
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.