You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
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date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Lmfaoooooo
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.