You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
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What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Stop sending me this shit.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*